Deep Thoughts by Annie
I have had a lot of things run across my mind in the last few weeks but I haven't had a chance to get here to blog.
I have done a lot of soul searching and thinking and wondering. I've been stuck in my head and I even caught myself having conversations with myself in the car.
Why am I writing about all of this on a weight loss blog?
Because, you see, weight loss isn't just about changing the way you look or the way your clothes fit. There is a mental shift--a mindset change that occurs. I've mentioned it at least a few times in my last few posts. But what does it all mean?
So here's an example.
In February 2006, I moved into my own apartment. It was grand, it was scary and eventually it was super awesome fun. I had my own place, my own peace, my own time. I worked at the publishing company, I had my core group of friends, I had been dating a nice guy since December, unsure of where it was going but he was nice and we had fun together so it was what I was...I met my mom at Curves a few days a week after work so we could spend time together since I no longer lived with her and didn't spend my lunch breaks driving home to have lunch with her anymore.
And the nice guy and I broke up...and that was OK...my core group of friends was broken up by job changes and moves and then I met the man I eventually married. And I stopped going to Curves (our membership ended and we didn't find it beneficial enough to sign up--my clothes were getting tighter!) and by September I had changed jobs and gained 20lbs.
And 30 minute lunches, running to Wawa for sandwiches, long hours, terrible commute...by the following September, I was over it. And I enrolled in massage school. The minute I did, I got a job offer with my current employer--something I was trying to do for SIX years. So off I went...October 2007, 10lbs more than I am now, and a totally different body type.
Stress, life, an engagement...up another 10lbs...wedding to prepare for, a house search, a move, a huge project at work...married, house projects, work projects...life.
In 2010, I went through the loss of my grandmother, my dad's cancer scare and hormone induced anxiety as we tried to get pregnant. And so began 4 years of three pregnancies and two babies and a lot of weight fluctuation...
And a year after #2 was born, my weight was skyrocketing again , I was stressed out from dealing with 2 kids and a home renovation and feeling like everything was on my shoulders and completely lost.
Until I found myself. And week after week of Retrofit and weight loss and running and pushing myself and discovering things about myself as I shed away the pounds I'm sitting here about 15lbs more than I was at age 26 but feeling exactly like that girl sitting across the chairs in her first apartment.
So full of hope and excited to tackle things and try new things and push my limits with fitness. I have three new friends who are like the more mature, wiser versions of my core group from 11 years ago.
But how does this wiser, stronger, smarter and more experienced version of 2006 Annie fit into the life that over stressed, overweight and unhappy Annie built over the last 10 years? I felt like I woke up from a coma but had every memory of what happened while I was sleeping.
And that is a really strange, raw and uncomfortable feeling.
I want to run back to my apartment, put my feet up and watch LOST with my girlfriends and talk about what we're going to do over the weekend or where we are going to go dancing. Instead, I'm planning play dates and talking about home renovations and who is watching the kids while I workout or he works on the renovation.
And I have no idea what to do...I spent the better part of 11 years not recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. In 2013/2014 I lost weight but it wasn't the same. And now I recognize the woman looking back at me but I don't associate this life with her. But I am she and she is me...looking back at me in the mirror...
I'll end with this poem that I randomly found after I typed that last line.
I have done a lot of soul searching and thinking and wondering. I've been stuck in my head and I even caught myself having conversations with myself in the car.
Why am I writing about all of this on a weight loss blog?
Because, you see, weight loss isn't just about changing the way you look or the way your clothes fit. There is a mental shift--a mindset change that occurs. I've mentioned it at least a few times in my last few posts. But what does it all mean?
So here's an example.
In February 2006, I moved into my own apartment. It was grand, it was scary and eventually it was super awesome fun. I had my own place, my own peace, my own time. I worked at the publishing company, I had my core group of friends, I had been dating a nice guy since December, unsure of where it was going but he was nice and we had fun together so it was what I was...I met my mom at Curves a few days a week after work so we could spend time together since I no longer lived with her and didn't spend my lunch breaks driving home to have lunch with her anymore.
 |
| Little 26 year old me on moving in day |
 |
| I'm about to turn 27! |
 |
| Happy 27th Birthday to meeee!! |
And the nice guy and I broke up...and that was OK...my core group of friends was broken up by job changes and moves and then I met the man I eventually married. And I stopped going to Curves (our membership ended and we didn't find it beneficial enough to sign up--my clothes were getting tighter!) and by September I had changed jobs and gained 20lbs.
 |
| 27 year old me - weighing a little more than I do right now. First day at the new job |
Stress, life, an engagement...up another 10lbs...wedding to prepare for, a house search, a move, a huge project at work...married, house projects, work projects...life.
 |
| Ohhh we got maaarrriiieddd...10.26.08 |
In 2010, I went through the loss of my grandmother, my dad's cancer scare and hormone induced anxiety as we tried to get pregnant. And so began 4 years of three pregnancies and two babies and a lot of weight fluctuation...
 |
| 2010 after gaining lots of weight trying to get pregnant! |
 |
| I can't even...and I only got bigger |
 |
| So heavy. XL shirt clinging to me |
 |
| Low carb for 5 months - size M shirt. Weighing what I weigh now |
 |
| Baby #2. Ouch |
 |
| 6 weeks post baby #2 back at pre-baby weight (20lbs more than today) |
And a year after #2 was born, my weight was skyrocketing again , I was stressed out from dealing with 2 kids and a home renovation and feeling like everything was on my shoulders and completely lost.
Until I found myself. And week after week of Retrofit and weight loss and running and pushing myself and discovering things about myself as I shed away the pounds I'm sitting here about 15lbs more than I was at age 26 but feeling exactly like that girl sitting across the chairs in her first apartment.
So full of hope and excited to tackle things and try new things and push my limits with fitness. I have three new friends who are like the more mature, wiser versions of my core group from 11 years ago.
But how does this wiser, stronger, smarter and more experienced version of 2006 Annie fit into the life that over stressed, overweight and unhappy Annie built over the last 10 years? I felt like I woke up from a coma but had every memory of what happened while I was sleeping.
And that is a really strange, raw and uncomfortable feeling.
I want to run back to my apartment, put my feet up and watch LOST with my girlfriends and talk about what we're going to do over the weekend or where we are going to go dancing. Instead, I'm planning play dates and talking about home renovations and who is watching the kids while I workout or he works on the renovation.
 |
| I look like 2006 Annie. |
 |
| I fit back into 2006 jeans |
 |
| I'm full of energy an life |
 |
| and I'm happy... |
And I have no idea what to do...I spent the better part of 11 years not recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. In 2013/2014 I lost weight but it wasn't the same. And now I recognize the woman looking back at me but I don't associate this life with her. But I am she and she is me...looking back at me in the mirror...
I'll end with this poem that I randomly found after I typed that last line.
She is easy to know but so complicated
Complex, misunderstood and elevated
Above who she feels like she is
She holds one close which no longer lives
She is radiant, fearful and never timid
But when she's provoked, she becomes livid
She considers them all before herself
Thinks in the best interest of everyone else
She's inspirational, loving and forgiving
Looks through eyes of angels at all living
She finds wonder and beauty in all Gods creation
And believes nature to be just a small demonstration
She is easily intrigued by the unusual and deep
She is not easy to hold but she's easy to keep
She's almost everything she desires to be
She is me, and I am she
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