324 Days

A few days ago my oldest daughter asked me how many days it had been since we moved out of our house and moved in with Nana and Grandad.  We had fun counting the number of days in each month and adding them up until we got to a number over 300 and I held back the tears as I told her "about 317 days".

She didn't see me blinking back the tears as I choked on my disappointment; she was more consumed with the fact that we had been living with N&G for over 300 days.   And why was school only 180 days?  And how does that work?

But I was still reflecting...

We had left August 3rd.   There were some things going on at home and my health was spiraling in the form of anxiety and I am dying of everything. 

I spent the first few nights with my parents waiting for the effects of the anxiety meds I had taken to wear off and praying I would live to see 36 hours later.  The meds had made me paranoid, caused fever dreams of spiders, shaking, couldn't rest for more than 30 seconds without startling awake, constantly shaking.  They were the longest 3 days of my life, followed immediately by the longest month of my life... and then longest 324 days.  

In September something happened and I started feeling better.  Maybe it was because I had started to realize that the decision I needed to make was becoming more clear and easier to make... splitting up.  Divorce.  I began to consider it.

The details aren't important.  It's a simple case of not loving each other the way we need and deserve to be loved, not being the right match for each other.  And we made that final decision in October and filed in January.

The holidays were a blur.   There are pictures to remind me but looking back now, I'm not sure what was going on and what I was doing in the Winter months.  

Spring sprung and things were getting better for me.  I was stronger, more confident, no longer dealing with sleep interrupting panic attacks and my heart was healed.

Or so I thought.  See... the heart is that it's tricky.  The divorce has been slow and slightly annoying but nothing painful or hurtful.

But what started to happen was the resurfacing of all of my insecurities. Body image.   Am I good enough?  Why didn't I keep up with my exercise program?   Why wasn't I more focused on getting fit and strong and toned so I could be smoking hot and 40 and single?

These self doubting thoughts are dangerous.  Suddenly I wasn't good enough--for anyone including me. I couldn't focus on anything other than everything bothering me...about me.  Did I say something wrong?  Did I do something too goofy?  Should I have not been so open? I couldn't stop thinking about my failures or how I probably sabotaged something by being myself.   It was like my anxiety that had once manifested itself as physical symptoms was now poisoning the ability for me to see my value and worth as something other than the physical.

And I am tired and overwhelmed and stuck.

But I remembered someone said to me a few months ago...an observation he made about me that I had never noticed before.  He said "When you are faced with something,  you never let it hold you back.  You always find a way; you never stay stuck."

No pressure.  Eyeroll.  LOL.

So I joined Retrofit again.   I'm armed with a year of data of not being on the program and still maintaining my weight.   I have a different life and a different set of circumstances and a long road in front of me.  

And I won't stay stuck.  324 days are behind me. I have an army of friends who have travelled this journey with me and have helped me through so much.  Some from the beginning and some new friends who joined in the middle.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive about the next 41 but I'm feeling pretty good about it all.

June 22, 2019

August 3, 2018