OMG! WTH!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

I woke up IN THE WORST MOOD TODAY.  I am still trying to get passed it and I know I will but for right now, living in this mood, everything seems hopeless.

No weight loss, no weight gain.  My body is being so stubborn and on top of it all, I started feeling crappy again the other day.  Knock on wood, it only lasted 3 days, I didn't need an anxiety pill, and I think it is related to mid cycle hormone changes that I wouldn't have while on birth control or while being pregnant.

I guess I keep battling back and forth in my head about going back on the pill, getting pregnant and wanting to lose weight.
If I go on the pill, I will hopefully level out these hormone fluctuations which will help with my weight loss, my weird panic attacks and my general well being.  However, if I want to get pregnant, I will have to stop and possible go through it again and possibly have to take ativan again to control the panic and if I get pregnant, I can't take it, which creates more panic.

If I don't go on the pill, I can manage my diet and have time to work out the anxiety issues...I can get pregnant as as soon as I am ready but I might gain another 20lbs and spend the next few months feeling like crap.

So, one option is to manage my symptoms for quality of life and the other is to be really patient and hope my symptoms don't get worse all while controlling hormonal waves of ups and downs.  If I was losing weight, this would be the option in would choose.

Ugghhhhh.

So for now, I am de-Christmasing the house, cleaning furiously and hoping the right answer comes to me. Or that my weight loss kicks in...