Reflecting...

On social media, today is known as Throwback Thursday.  People post pictures from "back in the day" or what they were doing on this day last year or a few years ago thanks to things like TimeHop and Google "on this day..."

My TimeHop app has been showing me pictures from 3 years ago when I was at the height of my low carb lifestyle and things were amazing.  I had a 20 month old, I was down 40lbs, I was doing Couch to 5k and didn't feel like I was falling apart, I slept great, I felt great and I was confident both personally and professionally.

In my head I thought I was going to run the Fall Festival 5k in 2013 and obliterate my record from the year before.  In my head, I was going to start my second pregnancy 60lbs lighter than my first one.  In my head, I was going to eat healthy foods and be a cute, strong, healthy preggo who still exercised through her pregnancy. In my head, I was going to right all my (self-described) wrongs.

And here I sit, 3 years later, 6 months post baby #2 and I'm depressed.

Three years ago this coming August, everything changed.  I was down 49lbs, I had just done my first 10 minute mile the day before my birthday in July and then two weeks later, I fell while carrying Kid #1 and spent months in Physical Therapy trying to get my pelvis back to where it belongs. Running stopped.  Good mood started to fade and the diet crumbled.   10lbs gained. 

Two years ago, I was making plans for baby #2. I had just about recovered from that injury to my pelvis that had stopped me from running and I was trying to start over with my diet to do something that I could continue during pregnancy.  Things were going well until my hormones took over (anxiety, lack of sleep, couldn't drive without having panic attacks, miscarriage, recovery) and the rest of 2014 was a blur until March of 2015 when I found out I was pregnant and this time it was going to work out.  I had gained another 15lbs trying to get pregnant. Unfortunately, carbs--my enemy--had to become my best friend. My pregnancy, while healthy, was loaded with carbs--some good, some bad.  they were what kept me from becoming violently ill or passing out. 30lbs gained during pregnancy.

The 30lbs are gone--but the scars of pregnancy remain.  And not just the stretch marks but rather the carb scars--bloated midsection, fat arms, weight on my hips and thighs...While I can still fit into pant that I was wearing months before I got pregnant, the belly overhang...I just...I can't.  And my clothes don't fit...right. And that confident gal from 3 years ago is over stressed, over tired, over worked and overweight.

So while today most of my friends are celebrating "Throwback Thursday", I've taken my own time to reflect, reconnect and rejuvenate the fire.  I'd say its a comeback but in the words of  LL Cool J...

"Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years..."

(I've just been hiding inside this chubby girl)