Stepping Off

I think I've recovered from that 3 day cleanse.  I'm frustrated with how I (over) reacted but overall it was a good experience.  I lost about 4lbs and I felt less bloated.  I did have a ton of energy before the coldness and panic set in and I wish I had been able to stick with it. 

I do feel like it did reset something.  I've had fewer cravings and I haven't been as ravenous. I'm exhausted but that is more of a lifestyle issue than a food issue.

Of course, I did the exact opposite of what I should have done after my cleanse meltdown.  I stress ate a lot of bad stuff.  I gained a pound back but I decided that I can't get mad about it.  I just have to move on.

In other news, I feel like the last few days of my life have been super busy.

On Wednesday, my Dad came over to power wash the deck with me.

Because power washing can be dangerous, I chose to protect my
 legs and feet in style.  LOL

I spent the morning cleaning the house (which, by Thursday, looked like it never happened) and then we power washed for 4 hours, then I  raced off to get Olivia, take her to swim lessons and then pick up the grocery order (I love ShopRite Shop from Home!!), unload groceries, feed Olivia, take her to VBS, pick up a bed, unload the bed, feed the baby, feed myself and Ian, pick up Olivia from VBS, talk about the lesson ("Jesus gives us core...cur...what's the word...hope...and courage...Jesus gives us courage, Mommy!") get her and the baby in bed and relax.  It was an insane 13000 step day. 

But somewhere in the middle of all of that running around, something was nagging me.  I have been wrestling with an internal struggle regarding my health and my life...and how to find a balance.  Finances are tight with the house renovation and not working full time for 5 months and having 2 kids...wanting to be the best at everything.  The best wife, best mom, best employee, best daughter...I've managed to be the best at "dropping the ball".

And then an opportunity presented itself and I grabbed it and then sat there staring at it, afraid to move.  Afraid to do anything with it.  Fear of failure? Fear of being rejected? Fear of judgement and disappointment? Fear of doing the wrong thing...

All of that became shockingly clear to me while sitting at Olivia's swim lesson.  I usually sit at the end of the pool in one of the "parent" chairs and watch her at her lesson.  Sometimes I can hear her instructor but I try to stay back because I have found that if I'm there she will try to bail out when there is something she doesn't want to do.

But Wednesday was different.  She stood on the bottom step of the pool. She had just finished swimming around with a pool noodle.  She is pretty comfortable in the pool with her noodle.  

If noodle swimming were a sport, she'd be a gold medalist!

Her teacher was asking her to step off the step and paddle and kick to her (a 3 ft distance) and Olivia, being her stubborn self, was putting up a good fight and throwing excuses at her teacher.  .(I have rug burn on my arm, my hair hurts and straight up "I can't.").

I couldn't take it. I walked up behind her and I said "Olivia, remember your courage...".  Her teacher ran with it.  And the next thing I knew, she stepped off.  And she swam to the end of the pool where I had been sitting and she reached the wall.  Her teacher was holding her to help her keep her hips up but for the most part she was swimming on her own.  She took a minute at the wall.  It looked like she wanted to quit but she said "I want to swim back." And by the end, she was so excited and kept saying "I did it!  I stepped off and swam by myself!"

And then I realized that I too am standing on a (metaphorical) step, thinking about everything that could go wrong when I step off.  I'll drown.  I'll get water in my ears.  I won't succeed.  But I know what to do!  I know the secret! " Paddle and kick and you won't drown, Mommy!  That's the secret of swimming, my teacher told me!!", I could hear Olivia's excited voice as she exited the pool and rushed toward me and the warmth of her towel and a hug.

So here I am...stepping off.  Paddling and kicking to the wall. Finding my courage.  Moving forward with something that could change everything and hoping to share it with all of you.  Plexus.

More to come.